Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
