I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
