Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
