Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I have aggressive nipples.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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