Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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