so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
