Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
