i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
