Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
