the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
