is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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