Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
