arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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