i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
