It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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