hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
