oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
