I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You are a genius and a whore.
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