also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
