He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I am midnight drunk by noon
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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