my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
