I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
