i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
