How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
