I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
