On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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