She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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