I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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