remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Small penises have feelings too.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
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he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
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This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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