I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
as a side note pls kill me
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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