I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
