I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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