I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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