You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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