i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
What a dumb baby whore.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
