wakey wakey hands off snakey
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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