I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
