You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
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