dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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