Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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