Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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