my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
