I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
