there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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