He kissed a someone with a penis
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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