i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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