So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Are these your boobs on my camera?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
