i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
