yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
one two three fourrrrnication!
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
