that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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