Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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