now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
