I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
